You see this?
Yeah so this pretty much describes the last however many years of my life. Hell it describes how I’m feeling right now. I’m going to talk about two things in this post that I’m pretty sure someone will find relatable. The weird jealousy I feel when I see people in real life and on social media, and the pit of thoughts and emotions I throw myself into when I feel lonely.
Jealousy, Longing, Anger, etc.
Those are some of the emotions I feel when I see people who have the one thing I really want. Just a few minutes ago I saw one of my friends post on their IG story about their girlfriend. I keep seeing random couples showing PDA wherever I go. And I’m constantly reminded of all the times I’ve tried and failed to make friends when I see friend groups having fun with each other. It’s almost like no matter how hard I try, I never seem to be able to obtain a decent relationship. Everybody else I know manages to do so, so why am I the only one who’s never had it? I’ve never had one of those friendships where you can talk about the deep and personal stuff, and the receiver takes you seriously. And I have never been in a romantic relationship. Like, no one has ever flirted with me and vice versa. And I’ve never kissed anyone in my life (aside from in kindergarten but everyone knows that doesn’t count).
I’ve expressed some of these feelings of loneliness in therapy, both individually and in group. Individually, I typically get the response of, “Your time will come eventually. You just need to keep putting yourself out there even though it’s hard.” Yeah well I’ve been doing that for however many f**king years and nothing. Now, when I brought this up in group therapy, I actually felt even more hopeless. Someone had commented on the fact that high school relationships rarely ever last. And while this may be true, that’s not the kind of thing you want to say to someone who has been trying to make friends for years. It felt very invalidating and made me feel like all the work I’ve put it will just amount to nothing. But yeah. I guess I’ll try to keep trying but I’m starting to lose hope, so I’m not sure how much longer I’ll last.
The Lonely Pit of Despair
Isn’t convincing yourself that you’ll always be lonely no matter how hard you try great? Isn’t telling yourself no one will ever love you and that you should get used to sitting in your room all alone because it’ll be your life until the day you die just so empowering? Normally I would say “absolutely not”. However, I’ve been telling myself these toxic things in order to make myself feel better. It’s kinda counterintuitive, but it’s the only thing keeping me from losing my will to live. I basically convince myself that’s going to be my life, so in the event that nothing positive happens I’ll be a little happy because that’s what I think I deserve. I probably shouldn’t be doing this but I kinda need to keep doing this until I finally meet people with common interests.
Please Don’t be Like Me
I can’t control anyone or what they think or anything like that, but still. Ehh, actually this kinda makes me a hypocrite. I’m currently not going to change my ways if I’m being completely honest. However I at least acknowledge the fact that I’m toxic towards myself. So all I can do is at least Oh and here’s another article I wrote on loneliness. Clearly this is a huge struggle for me. 🥲
Not sure if I’m missing something but I’m still very lonely and now I’m very tired now so good morning/afternoon/night!